a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
