I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
