I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
