if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
