I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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