Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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