she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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