I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
only if we run a train.
done.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
