pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
