Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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