I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
