He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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