Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
