Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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