I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
