Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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