my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
