Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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