mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
