Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
