ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
not ubering you a puppy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
