Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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