Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
