According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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