You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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