i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
