You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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