Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
