I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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