she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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