dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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