I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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