Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
