I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
