you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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