There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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