Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
