i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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