I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
