I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
