i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When are your genitals available?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
