I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
vagina is talking i cant
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
