i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Be still, my beating vagina.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
