atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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