Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
