i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I wish there were birth control emojis
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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