She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
