My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
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