i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
