I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
