Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
