Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
